she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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