Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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