laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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