you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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