dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Randomize
