how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
