I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
