whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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