I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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