Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
