Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
