The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
