so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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