Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
