The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
