I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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