Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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