Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
