I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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