afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
