Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
