Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
