They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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