My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
