I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
