I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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