Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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