its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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