I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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