there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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