There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
