So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
