i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
