it was like his penis was on wheels.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
