respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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