I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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