My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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