Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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