My sheets look like a crime scene.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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