She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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