I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
