I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
