I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
