I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
