Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
