I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
