You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
