I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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