she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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