Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
