I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
