His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
