he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
