u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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