woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
