I hate all girls vehemently.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
