I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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