i used baking grease as lip gloss
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
