My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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