I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
